18 months.  That’s the number of months left of Josh’s residency.

While dwelling on this number for the past few weeks, I started to realize how much my life has revolved around numbers, or the amount of time left before (blank).  For me it’s always kind of been like: Well in 6 months when I leave for college, I’ll start really figuring out who I am… Once I graduate from college I’ll have an idea of how real life will look and I’ll start living intentionally… Once I find “the one,” I’ll find my worth…  When we get married, life will begin to be easier…  Once we have kids, I’ll find more fulfillment… and most recently… Once residency is over in 18 months, life can really begin.

All of these thoughts have turned into MAJOR life lessons for me and I’ve grown so much along the way.

I didn’t really figure out who I was in college like most people. I’m just beginning to do that now. At 28 years old.  I didn’t really start living intentionally after graduation and I don’t think I really even understood what that means until now.  With God’s graciousness and provision, He placed a lot of people in my life that interceded and really taught me about my worth and how to see myself through God’s eyes and not the world’s.  And about how I don’t need a man to validate my worth.  AND that I needed to find my happiness and worth in Him before He could bring me “the one.”  But when He did bring Josh to me, it couldn’t have been any sweeter.  Getting married and moving away from family and friends BLEW. MY. MIND. way more than I ever though it would.  I cannot express that enough.  Life began alright, but not in the way I fantasized about in my head.  Oh Boy! Thank you Lord for leading us through that first year! When I had Rowan I did feel this amazing sense of fulfillment but it was not in the ways I imagined. My buddy changed my life for the better and added so much joy to our lives but those empty spaces that you think will be filled, will not.  And now here we are 18 months away from another “life changing anticipated moment” that I’ve built up in my head like the others.  I know it’s not going to be this big, “WOOHOOOO!! We are so fulfilled now that Josh has a semi normal life and we can afford takeout dinner without me crying about blowing the budget!!!!!” moment that I’m imagining.

Throughout the years, I’ve missed a lot of right now moments because of my frame of mind. The act of me anticipating and waiting for those next steps has left me spending my “right nows” worrying, planning, control freaking (that’s a thing, right?!), and placing little trust in God for my future and the future of my little family.

Yesterday’s entry in my “Savor” devotional by Shauna Niequist talked about this very topic and God used it to kind of slap me in the face about my “living for what’s next” attitude.  She talks about how when we are constantly waiting for what’s next, we end up on the sidelines of our own lives.  I have all of these big dreams and goals and I’ve convinced myself I can’t do any of them until after residency or after kids.  But I’ve also told myself a lie, that if I don’t complete some of them by 30 years old then I’ve failed miserably.  WHY DO I ALWAYS LIE TO MYSELF?????? This is what Shauna says about waiting for life to start. “I believe there is nothing more sacred or profound than this day.  There may be a thousand tiny moments embedded in this day, waiting to be discovered like tiny flecks of gold.  The big moments are the tiny moments of courage and forgiveness and hope that we grab on to and extend to one another. The big moments are in every conversation, every meal, every meeting.”

We shouldn’t wait for the best version of ourselves or our lives to show up in order for us to show up.  It’s like I need a new chapter of life to change my frame of mind but I know that’s just another lie.  I battle the thoughts telling me that where I am in life presently, is not enough.  But I don’t want that to always be the case. I want to be present with our friends here in WV, present with Rowan while he’s my only baby to focus on (no, I’m not pregnant!), present with the community at our new church, present during these times of pinching every single penny to make ends meet. Josh says I’m going to look back and see this time as the best time of our lives.  So because of that, I want to savor the moments we have left.  It’s ok to dream about what life will be like and what we will accomplish in our next chapter but that doesn’t give me an excuse to miss the one were in.

I challenge you to join me in not missing the moments that are happening right now around us.  As a mom and wife this can be hard but it will be so worth it! Let’s look at Christ, not ahead to what’s next. WE can do this!

And a final sidenote- The “Savor” devo is awesome! I’ve been going through it since this past summer and God has really used it to speak into my life! You can get your own here! It doubles as a cookbook with some recipes that sound AHH-mazing! BUT since I’m scared of the kitchen, I haven’t tried any yet. This hot mess can only tackle one thing at a time and the cooking fear is like 435438th on the list. Why don’t you try them and let me know how it goes!!!

~Dana