I can’t cook worth a darn.  Just last night I attempted potato soup for the first time and after finishing, Josh so nicely said, “This was good but it seemed more like a casserole. Hmm?”  Yeah, I know babe, you’re not supposed to have to use a fork and chew up your SOUP.  Somehow it got super thick and turned into loaded potato casserole. Ugh. Kitchen- 143247983 Dana- 5. (I’ll be kind to myself.) After his comment we also joked about a moment at the very beginning of our marriage when I broke down crying in the grocery store and then again in our kitchen on the floor because I couldn’t find anything in the store, forgot half of the ingredients I needed for meals, and then realized I bought 5 boxes of cream cheese, 100% believing it was sour cream.  Josh told me I’d laugh about it someday, as the tears were streaming down my face about how I’ll never be a good wife or mother.  Three years later, I’m getting there.

I swear I’m not totally incompetent.  I know the difference between cream cheese and sour cream.  I just got so overwhelmed in that moment.  I panic about things that have to do with the kitchen.  How much food? How long? How do you prepare 2 things that both need the oven and 5 things that need the stove without using the microwave that’s going to give all my family and guests cancer.  Deep breath! Phew.  And too bad about the microwave people.  It’s my lifeline.  I cooked spaghetti on Monday and you would have thought the Duggar’s were coming over.  How the heck are you supposed to measure how much spaghetti to make?!??! I think we have 3 lbs of LEFTOVER noodles.

When meal planning, I prefer 10 or less ingredients and lots of pictures.  Case in point, why Pinterest is my favorite “cookbook.” When I was out on my own, yes I grocery shopped, but mostly for the same 5 things: granola bars of some sort, cereal, milk, cheese sticks, and a fruit option.  I think I covered all the main food groups there.  I’m a carb-oholic so sometimes I’d add bagels, crackers, and bread for grilled cheeses in there for kicks. Money was tight, people! And when you’re only one person with a busy schedule, it was always just easier and sometimes healthier to eat out. Not (always) fast food, but yes sometimes fast food. I know you feel me with the Chic-fil-a. Can I get an amen!?

This brings me to now, when I have a family to feed and a home to serve food in. No, I still don’t like to make dinner. But I do like to have people over and have them eat, talk, and relax in our home.  I love the smell of something cooking that you’ll share with others that will be coming over hungry, the candles burning that you light right before they arrive.  I love attempting pies and cobblers.  (Secretly someday I may have an interest in baking.) I love refilling cups and the dirty kitchen that’s stacked with empty plates.

Our little rental is small.  Not like smallllllll small but there’s basically only one room for people to congregate in.  Our table is a tiny square with 3 chairs and most of the time it’s covered in wood boards and paint. When people come over we end up eating on the couch the majority of the time.  Sometimes I wish it could be more formal, maybe not formal, but definitely more normal.  That I could have a table for people to gather around, that I could work on beautiful centerpieces and place settings and add special touches for them to notice when they take a seat.  But thennnn I get off Pinterest because I’m sidetracked and it’s the thief of joy for me (sometimes).

I’ve realized its not about the complexity of my table and my space or the craft of cooking for me. It’s about the community I’m serving.  It’s about the relationships.  This is something I am just now beginning to learn about myself. I always thought being in isolation was what I preferred.  I think as an only child, it comes naturally.  But really that’s not me at all. Satan says, “Be alone Dana. You can’t cook. Or make friends.”  See now I don’t prefer the small talk or surface chatting that comes with the daily grind of meeting and greeting.  I’m horrible at it.  I’m like stick-your-foot-in-your-mouth awkward.  I could write a book with the lines I’ve used during awkward silences.  WHYYY DO THEY EXIST?!? Music should come on or something when that happens. Seriously!

BUT the real, honest, hilarious, life long friendships, those are what I’m made for.  I love my people. The people I’ve clung to in every stage of life that are still there now.  I love when you meet someone that you instantly click with that you know can be in your tribe for life.  When they actually love eating on your couch more than at the table because then we can be all together, under blankets.  The friends that know where the blankets are and just get them, and if I don’t refill their drink, they do it themselves.  Mmmm I just love it.  Friends that know cooking scares me so they pitch in and we tackle it together.  Friends that sleep on your couch because you don’t always have to be filling the silences.  AMEN!! THANK YOU  BABY JESUS!!!

Thinking about leaving our WV people makes my heart hurt.  The same way my heart hurt when I had to leave my Pittsburgh people.  But I take comfort in the fact that even though I left them, they are still my people, because the relationships were built for any storm or circumstance.  What is built around our tables, couches, porches, or floors, isn’t about the food. Because *most* people don’t remember how bad or good my food was. But they do remember how they felt at home when we were all together.  My people are funny people.  We laugh so hard.  We give each other a hard time but we love each other harder.

 

So maybe it’s not so much about the craft of cooking but the craft of creating community for me.  And for those of you that can do the cooking part too… can I come over??

 

~Dana

 

 

 

*photos were found on Pinterest*

18 months.  That’s the number of months left of Josh’s residency.

While dwelling on this number for the past few weeks, I started to realize how much my life has revolved around numbers, or the amount of time left before (blank).  For me it’s always kind of been like: Well in 6 months when I leave for college, I’ll start really figuring out who I am… Once I graduate from college I’ll have an idea of how real life will look and I’ll start living intentionally… Once I find “the one,” I’ll find my worth…  When we get married, life will begin to be easier…  Once we have kids, I’ll find more fulfillment… and most recently… Once residency is over in 18 months, life can really begin.

All of these thoughts have turned into MAJOR life lessons for me and I’ve grown so much along the way.

I didn’t really figure out who I was in college like most people. I’m just beginning to do that now. At 28 years old.  I didn’t really start living intentionally after graduation and I don’t think I really even understood what that means until now.  With God’s graciousness and provision, He placed a lot of people in my life that interceded and really taught me about my worth and how to see myself through God’s eyes and not the world’s.  And about how I don’t need a man to validate my worth.  AND that I needed to find my happiness and worth in Him before He could bring me “the one.”  But when He did bring Josh to me, it couldn’t have been any sweeter.  Getting married and moving away from family and friends BLEW. MY. MIND. way more than I ever though it would.  I cannot express that enough.  Life began alright, but not in the way I fantasized about in my head.  Oh Boy! Thank you Lord for leading us through that first year! When I had Rowan I did feel this amazing sense of fulfillment but it was not in the ways I imagined. My buddy changed my life for the better and added so much joy to our lives but those empty spaces that you think will be filled, will not.  And now here we are 18 months away from another “life changing anticipated moment” that I’ve built up in my head like the others.  I know it’s not going to be this big, “WOOHOOOO!! We are so fulfilled now that Josh has a semi normal life and we can afford takeout dinner without me crying about blowing the budget!!!!!” moment that I’m imagining.

Throughout the years, I’ve missed a lot of right now moments because of my frame of mind. The act of me anticipating and waiting for those next steps has left me spending my “right nows” worrying, planning, control freaking (that’s a thing, right?!), and placing little trust in God for my future and the future of my little family.

Yesterday’s entry in my “Savor” devotional by Shauna Niequist talked about this very topic and God used it to kind of slap me in the face about my “living for what’s next” attitude.  She talks about how when we are constantly waiting for what’s next, we end up on the sidelines of our own lives.  I have all of these big dreams and goals and I’ve convinced myself I can’t do any of them until after residency or after kids.  But I’ve also told myself a lie, that if I don’t complete some of them by 30 years old then I’ve failed miserably.  WHY DO I ALWAYS LIE TO MYSELF?????? This is what Shauna says about waiting for life to start. “I believe there is nothing more sacred or profound than this day.  There may be a thousand tiny moments embedded in this day, waiting to be discovered like tiny flecks of gold.  The big moments are the tiny moments of courage and forgiveness and hope that we grab on to and extend to one another. The big moments are in every conversation, every meal, every meeting.”

We shouldn’t wait for the best version of ourselves or our lives to show up in order for us to show up.  It’s like I need a new chapter of life to change my frame of mind but I know that’s just another lie.  I battle the thoughts telling me that where I am in life presently, is not enough.  But I don’t want that to always be the case. I want to be present with our friends here in WV, present with Rowan while he’s my only baby to focus on (no, I’m not pregnant!), present with the community at our new church, present during these times of pinching every single penny to make ends meet. Josh says I’m going to look back and see this time as the best time of our lives.  So because of that, I want to savor the moments we have left.  It’s ok to dream about what life will be like and what we will accomplish in our next chapter but that doesn’t give me an excuse to miss the one were in.

I challenge you to join me in not missing the moments that are happening right now around us.  As a mom and wife this can be hard but it will be so worth it! Let’s look at Christ, not ahead to what’s next. WE can do this!

And a final sidenote- The “Savor” devo is awesome! I’ve been going through it since this past summer and God has really used it to speak into my life! You can get your own here! It doubles as a cookbook with some recipes that sound AHH-mazing! BUT since I’m scared of the kitchen, I haven’t tried any yet. This hot mess can only tackle one thing at a time and the cooking fear is like 435438th on the list. Why don’t you try them and let me know how it goes!!!

~Dana

 

 

Yesterday I had a small panic attack when I saw that pretty much everyone on my Instagram and Facebook feeds had posted their resolutions, words of the year, blog posts, or new signs/merchandise.  I was no where near ready to post any of that.  I was still in rest and recovery mode.  We had a GREAT Christmas break and I did zero painting and zero worrying. It was awesome! One of my best friends got married on the 2nd and I was the MOH and we had the best time celebrating her and her new husband all weekend.  So that brought me to yesterday, when I just didn’t have it all the way together yet.  I wasn’t ready for the grand entry back into real life.  Piles of laundry were everywhere and there was no food in the house.  I had no inspiring words to write or quotes to paint, and I immediately starting beating myself up about it.  I rarely let myself off the hook when it comes to resting or taking a break.  If I watch tv or read a book during nap time I feel guilty about it all day.  Like there were so many other things I should have been  doing and how dare I sit down.  I know I’ve talked about this in past posts but it’s been a problem lately.  Especially with how busy I was with sign orders before and during the holidays.  I didn’t allow myself to rest for a second.  Don’t get me wrong, I love being busy painting, but it’s ok to not paint while Rowan sleeps sometimes! So with all that being said, I saw a post yesterday on my Instagram that was actually the opposite of the ones I was talking about previously and it was so encouraging to me!!

“With all the words of the year, vision boards, and goals filling our feeds, we wanted to remind you of some truth today: GOOD THINGS TAKE TIME! Today is the first Monday of the new year and if you don’t do anything to meet the goals you wrote out, or if the day doesn’t reflect the carefully- picked photos found on your vision board, give yourself a little GRACE.  Because at the end of the day, grace is what we all need more than anything.” -The Wild Revival

(This came from Amanda and Marrissa, the girls behind The Wild Revival blog.  You need to check them out! http://www.thewildrevival.com  They are West Virginia ladies like myself who are doing great things for the kingdom by connecting women through events and their blog and are creating an awesome community in our area!)

That quote was exactly what I needed to hear. This year I want to give myself GRACE.  During these past few years of marriage, residency, motherhood, teaching, creating, budgeting, eating, pregnancy, and on and on, I have given myself little to no grace.  I stress and worry and feel like I’m holding my breath probably about 80% of the time.  And I know, 100% of the time, that’s not what Christ wants for us.  When I do that, I tell Him that I don’t trust Him, rely on Him, or believe He’s in control.  He gives me the undeserving gift of grace and I need to open my arms and accept it. Josh always tells me that no one is demanding I be perfect or putting pressure on me. I do it to myself. WHYYYY?!?!  This need for perfection and control is a habit that needs to be kicked.

This year while I’m working on giving myself grace, I do have a few goals as well.  (I can’t help it! I’m a planner, producer, and thrive on productivity!)  I want to be more consistent at pouring my heart into this little blog space.  I have SO. MANY. FEELINGS. As I think I’ve mentioned before haha! and I want to share them with you.  I want to keep dreaming BIG and stop listening to Satan who tells me that if I don’t accomplish all my dreams and goals this. instant. then I might as well not try at all. BECAUSE… GOOD THINGS TAKE TIME! And sometimes “my time” is not the “right time.” Which I’ve learned the lesson of many times in the past! (You’ve realized I’m a type A+++ already right?!?) I want to keep creating for you and for myself, fiercely love my husband and baby boy, be a good steward of our money and my time, and work really hard to love the home I have over the next 18 months before we move onto our next phase of life.  But most of all, I want to do those things while giving myself GRACE.  Small baby steps towards BIG, giant, God given dreams.

2016 will be a year of GRACE (and progress) not perfection.

~Dana